My Dad is Dying – Introduction

“My Dad is dying of cancer, and I don’t care. What is wrong with me.”

Two years ago my Mom called me and told me that Dad had a really serious seizure and had to be rushed to the E.R.  They thought he might have had a stroke. That would have been good news compared to the news they received.

It wasn’t a stroke.

He had a tumor in his brain.

What was good news was that he didn’t only have a tumor in his brain, but he also had tumors in his lungs. I know that sounds weird. But if the tumor in his brain was the only tumor in his body, he would have only lived a couple months and died. Since the tumor in his brain was a satellite tumor, developing after the tumor in his lung, his cancer was a more manageable.  Not as manageable as everyone hoped though. I’ll get to that in a later story. This is Part 1.

Part 1 – Dad is a stranger.

See, the first real battle I had was dealing with how little I cared. Hearing the news that my dad was going to suffer the rest of his short life on earth dying of cancer didn’t bother me. But the fact that it didn’t bother me really really bothered me. I’m not a good faker. I kept picturing myself at my Dad’s funeral – people asking me how I was doing, people expecting me to say something, people crying. And me? Emotionless. Or maybe just feeling relieved in a way. Or maybe I would be crying, but for a totally different reason….for a totally different loss.  I knew something was very wrong with feeling that way about losing your Dad. I know. Because I am a Dad. And there is nothing that I want more than for my kids to love me and to know that I love them. Ya know….I still haven’t figured it all out, but I have learned some big things through this first battle. I have learned that there are some things that are worse than dying of cancer.

Like living without really knowing your Dad.

And wondering if he really loves you, or if he ever did.

And….. if he doesn’t love me, is it possible to ever love him.

I would rather die of cancer knowing I loved and was loved, than live forever without love. If you lose love, you’ve lost everything. Faith is gone. Hope is gone. Life would be meaningless. But for some reason, I do believe love conquers all things. I always have. It might not look exactly like I expected, but God is good. He is a perfect Father. He is Love.

So my main battle in all of this mess is the fight for love. And I believe there is nothing more valuable worth fighting for.

Even if it kills me.